Should be amazing.
I need to stop getting so wasted every single weekend. I don't have a problem, do I? Nahh
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Well, whatever.
You know when you're so self-conscious that you're too scared to let your guard down? Yeah, why does that always happen to me? I don't fucking know.
This week was so bad. Reallyreallyreallybad. Ugh, I wish I could just sometimes change to fit in in certain areas of life. I know I sound like I'm whining but I'm really not. I wish I wasn't scared to let my guard down sometimes, and just to be cut free and open for the world to see. It's so fucking hard when you're stuck inside this shell that you protect all the damn time because you're afraid. You're afraid of everything. You're afraid of pain, heartbreak, losing things, losing people, having your feelings hurt, etc. One thing I'm not afraid of is hurting someone's feelings. I guess I don't know how to put it into words but when someone says something offensive to me, they're about 100% sure I don't care, and you're right I don't care about 10%. I'm sorry I have feelings, what the fuck?
I guess I should stop whining. I'm trying so hard. I swear to fucking god I'm trying so hard to be at my best. Every time I do a good thing, something way worse backfires and smacks me in the face. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Maybe I'm not doing anything wrong, maybe it's just a thing called life. Whatever it is, I have a lot to learn, and I have a long way ahead.
I just get so weak sometimes. To the point where I don't want to get up out of bed and do things. Daily things, like hang out with friends or get lunch or have a nice conversation. I get to the point where I just want to lay in bed and cry forever, or sleep forever or end up in a coma so I don't have to go through the stuff I do go through daily. Yeah yeah yeah, people have it way worse but I'm not coming full circle here. You ever feel like you're isolating yourself from the world, and you LIKE it? I really am trying to think so much more optimistic than before.
I learned this lesson from Jessica. "Write 5things about your day that you liked, even little things, soon build that list up to 10, 15, 20 things you liked. " I stopped. Whenever I start to do good, I go back to square one.
This week was so bad. Reallyreallyreallybad. Ugh, I wish I could just sometimes change to fit in in certain areas of life. I know I sound like I'm whining but I'm really not. I wish I wasn't scared to let my guard down sometimes, and just to be cut free and open for the world to see. It's so fucking hard when you're stuck inside this shell that you protect all the damn time because you're afraid. You're afraid of everything. You're afraid of pain, heartbreak, losing things, losing people, having your feelings hurt, etc. One thing I'm not afraid of is hurting someone's feelings. I guess I don't know how to put it into words but when someone says something offensive to me, they're about 100% sure I don't care, and you're right I don't care about 10%. I'm sorry I have feelings, what the fuck?
I guess I should stop whining. I'm trying so hard. I swear to fucking god I'm trying so hard to be at my best. Every time I do a good thing, something way worse backfires and smacks me in the face. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Maybe I'm not doing anything wrong, maybe it's just a thing called life. Whatever it is, I have a lot to learn, and I have a long way ahead.
I just get so weak sometimes. To the point where I don't want to get up out of bed and do things. Daily things, like hang out with friends or get lunch or have a nice conversation. I get to the point where I just want to lay in bed and cry forever, or sleep forever or end up in a coma so I don't have to go through the stuff I do go through daily. Yeah yeah yeah, people have it way worse but I'm not coming full circle here. You ever feel like you're isolating yourself from the world, and you LIKE it? I really am trying to think so much more optimistic than before.
I learned this lesson from Jessica. "Write 5things about your day that you liked, even little things, soon build that list up to 10, 15, 20 things you liked. " I stopped. Whenever I start to do good, I go back to square one.
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