on this day 8 weeks ago....

Well well well, I think this will be a bulletin where I brag about how excited I am for what the future holds for me.

I honestly can say that I AM NOT 100% happy with my weight right now. HOWEVER, I am about 75% happy with my weight.

I started this diet on the first of April. I have lost 30.4 lbs within the course of eight weeks. I started out with 157 and now I do weigh 127. I can say 127 was my ideal goal weight, and that is how much I wanted to weigh to feel comfortable about myself.

The whole 100% not happy thing is just in my head. I know I have a lot to work on, but damn it I'm going to get there. I've reached many other goals that people thought I couldn't accomplish, but I have accomplished them.

Today I feel so different. I feel like a whole new person. I feel, happier

I may not be a 100 lb girl, EVER, but I am willing to try. And I swear, if anyone ever is willing to try something that betters them then let them be, let them try, give them a chance at success.

I am a firm believer in what you do in your life, is how life will do for you.

I can say there are many times where I have been shallow in the past and judgmental towards everything and everybody. Now I know how that feels.

I feel so refreshed, I feel like a new person. To even think of EVER going back to eating bad foods and corrupting my system with horrid foods that kill you FASTER, is not a chance I'm willing to take. My body has adjusted to eating healthy for the past 2 months. I plan on staying that way. And for anyone who doesn't believe in me for keeping this weight off, or for anyone who has EVER questioned my diet and said I couldn't make it and that it was a total sketchy thing, think again because obviously I've proven many wrong and I plan on proving you wrong even MORE for keeping my weight off and staying healthy for the rest of my life.

I do give a big thanks to everyone who has supported me in this crazy journey, and it was such a long journey but yet so short. I do thank my mom the most though because she's stuck by my side when no one else has, and supported my decisions whether they were wrong or right. I take pride in having confidence in myself, and I plan on having even more confidence in myself with other goals and accomplishments in my life.

So the next time someone tells you you can't do it. Don't believe them.

Every time someone tells you you aren't good enough, just turn your head the other way and smile because YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND IF YOU WANT TO KEEP UP WITH BEING YOURSELF AND WORKING ON YOUR IMAGE AND SELF-ESTEEM THEN SO BE IT.

Don't let anyone EVER tell you that you're worthless, or that you can't make it. Show them whose boss and prove them wrong

<3 I love you all. I love everyone who even thought about my health or even had a serious concern about me dieting. I love you if you've ever cared, or if I've ever crossed your mind and you thought I wasn't going to be okay. I appreciate everything from anyone whose given me support who didn't necessarily agree with my decision.

I just know, I'll be okay. And so will you.

BMTH

Yes yesyesyesyesyes. So I finally met BMTH.
I know right, it only took me a couple of years. But, mission accomplished!
Last time I saw Bring me the Horizon was in Nov of 2008, where they all just ran off stage from State Theatre and didn't want to meet anyone.

Well, I did Taste of Chaos this year, and I got lucky because they did a signing!
Oli was really nice. Total sweetheart. I think he really puts on this '' dick mode '' just to piss people off on purpose. Curtis left the band. :( Sad. But, he was like half deaf and blind anway..
So, yesyesyesyes, I met Oli, and he was nice. And they were all nice.. it's probably because they were high/drunk and just didn't give a shit :D

Tomorrow

Should be amazing.

I need to stop getting so wasted every single weekend. I don't have a problem, do I? Nahh

Well, whatever.

You know when you're so self-conscious that you're too scared to let your guard down? Yeah, why does that always happen to me? I don't fucking know.

This week was so bad. Reallyreallyreallybad. Ugh, I wish I could just sometimes change to fit in in certain areas of life. I know I sound like I'm whining but I'm really not. I wish I wasn't scared to let my guard down sometimes, and just to be cut free and open for the world to see. It's so fucking hard when you're stuck inside this shell that you protect all the damn time because you're afraid. You're afraid of everything. You're afraid of pain, heartbreak, losing things, losing people, having your feelings hurt, etc. One thing I'm not afraid of is hurting someone's feelings. I guess I don't know how to put it into words but when someone says something offensive to me, they're about 100% sure I don't care, and you're right I don't care about 10%. I'm sorry I have feelings, what the fuck?

I guess I should stop whining. I'm trying so hard. I swear to fucking god I'm trying so hard to be at my best. Every time I do a good thing, something way worse backfires and smacks me in the face. What the fuck am I doing wrong? Maybe I'm not doing anything wrong, maybe it's just a thing called life. Whatever it is, I have a lot to learn, and I have a long way ahead.

I just get so weak sometimes. To the point where I don't want to get up out of bed and do things. Daily things, like hang out with friends or get lunch or have a nice conversation. I get to the point where I just want to lay in bed and cry forever, or sleep forever or end up in a coma so I don't have to go through the stuff I do go through daily. Yeah yeah yeah, people have it way worse but I'm not coming full circle here. You ever feel like you're isolating yourself from the world, and you LIKE it? I really am trying to think so much more optimistic than before.

I learned this lesson from Jessica. "Write 5things about your day that you liked, even little things, soon build that list up to 10, 15, 20 things you liked. " I stopped. Whenever I start to do good, I go back to square one.

Ohhh to be home for a day.

I got back home Jan 9th, 2009. It was the worst day of my life, possibly. I almost missed my flight from San Francisco to Denver. Long story. I don't want to talk about it.

Classes started the 12th. I'm content right now. I'm just so lazy I don't want to study. :( That'll have to change. A kid named Shane sits next to me in Psych. Um, he looks like my type of friend. Good music taste, and kind of quiet. I wonder if I should talk to him.

I've gained weight. Hating myself for that. The closest gym around here is in Pinellas Park. What the fuck. Hate you mom for moving to Clearwater from St.Pete 3years ago. But I don't really hate you, but I'm thinking about moving back. Maybe next year with Brittany, and we'll get a apt. or something. I dunno yet. I told my mother, but she freaked out. I'm going to be 19 in August. Come on, it's time to move out.

I saw The Sleeping for the first time in 3 years Wednesday. I have waited so long to see them. Last time they came, I missed it. The show was so fucking dead. Funeral For a Friend, I'll give it to them, they really tried. The crowd sucked so bad. But I fell in love.

More like fell in infatuation. Shit. I like TJ so much. Um, hi 8 years my senior. Fuck. Can we stop doing eye contact 24/7. Even when your girlfriend is standing there? Ugh, I dunno. I just feel strong feelings towards a total stranger.

Back to work, back to school, back to having a normal life. It's like 45 degrees today. Great, I come home to 45 degrees and I escaped 40 degree weather. Joy!

10:49 PM. I am still Jet Lagged

What is irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)?Irritable bowel syndrome is a disorder characterized most commonly by cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, constipation, and diarrhea. IBS causes a great deal of discomfort and distress, but it does not permanently harm the intestines and does not lead to a serious disease, such as cancer. Most people can control their symptoms with diet, stress management, and prescribed medications. For some people, however, IBS can be disabling. They may be unable to work, attend social events, or even travel short distances.

This girl was staying with my sister this past week. About six more people stayed at her apartment. It was really irritating/annoying because I felt like all my private space was invaded. Well, her name was Shannon. Shannon is 26 years old, lives in Gainseville and still attends UF. I'm not quite sure why she's been in school this long. I always forget what her major is. I guess telecom.

Shannon seemed like a sweet girl, I guess I feel kind of bad about giving her some of the shit I did. Shannon has IBS disease. I mean, she's just your average girl. Shannon is obsessed with pop culture. I literally wanted to shoot myself in the head when she told me she has been anorexic and tried to make herself look like Britney Spears all the damn time. She's also told me that she wants to move out to LA and '' make it big out here. '' I don't really understand people. I guess Shannon is just your average american girl, stuck in a fifteen year old girl's body. My thoughts are with her. I should really stop pitying people.

Wen is an asian man who is 29 years old, he has been in the military and likes to wake up at 6 in the morning and get everyone up and ready for the day!!!! Wen and I had our bad times. I can truly say I pretty much hate this kid. Let's not talk about politics/religion or the government, he would seem like a cool guy. Too bad he's a pervert and everything he says he thinks is funny, hilarious and also he's always right. Not to mention he broke my sister's trunk, had her pay for the whole hotel stay there, and bitched at me on our way to San Diego. Mind you, I bitched right back, and told him I'd smash his head in the fucking windsheild if he doesn't shut the hell up or get his finger out my motherfucking face.

Magda (I doubt I spelled that correctly) is a 24 year old girl who looks like she is twelve. I didn't really get to communicate with her, hence she left Christmas day. Magda has really small breasts. She went to Victoria's Secret and spent 60$ on a bra that sticks to her breasts and make them appear larger. I feel really bad for her. Did I mention she has a boyfriend? Yeah...

Well, I've got one thing to say. L.A. is definitely over-rated. It was nice. That's about it. It's nothing special. I don't see why people want to move out here. It's a town, with houses, buildings, cars, roads, people, shops, everything that's in any other town. I miss Florida so much.


Here I am in Walnut Creek. I plan on wasting my entire life away for the next 10days. I plan on eating all the food in the house, gaining about 50lb, showering, being online and sleeping all damn day. My vacation has been ruined. I am over hanging out with 30 year old people who want to get sushi every 35 minutes. I am over being accused of everything bad that has happened, and I have turned into bitch mode for the past four days. I plan on staying in bitch mode until I am at San Francisco International Airport and on my way back home.

I need to appreciate the things I do have in my life. The people I talk to daily back home, where I stay and what I am doing with my life.

Florida, don't sink, because if you do, we'll all have to move to California, and that's something I am not looking forward to.

It's here

I leave in less than twelve hours.

Write a blog when I come back? Maybe sooner? Maybe later? Who knows.